My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize