I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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