Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
