No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
