A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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