You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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