I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
