Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
