There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill