in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.