I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.