i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
