What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"