yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
