I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
