What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
