I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
