We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
