Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
