Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
