im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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