you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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