mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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