You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
