I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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