Your mouth is God's brothel.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
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Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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