Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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