Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
