when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
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you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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