My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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