i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
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who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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