based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
