she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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