I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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