I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
