If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
