Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
