Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
