He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
