i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
