I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
