If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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