In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
