i need an iv and a liver transplant
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
