i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
