I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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