hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
