I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
