My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
