I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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