she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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