So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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