Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
