did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
