There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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