Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
